Self love is not selfish. It is the steady, kind relationship you build with yourself that lets you feel at ease without constant approval from others. If you tend to worry about what people think, these gentle practices can help you rest more in your own worth.

Infused Lights teaching diagram: Inner Child Kindness
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TITLETAG: Love Yourself When You Worry What Others Think | Infused Lights

A smiling stick figure hugging a big pink heart beside the words I love me, surrounded by colorful hearts

What self love really is

Some people worry that self love is vain. In truth, it simply means treating yourself with respect, honesty and care, so you can feel content and steady from the inside. When you depend too much on other people's opinions, your happiness rises and falls with their approval. Building a kinder bond with yourself brings you back to center. It also makes you a better friend, partner and parent, because you have more love to share.

If your worry about others' opinions feels overwhelming, or is connected to anxiety, depression or painful past experiences, a counselor or therapist can be a wonderful ally.

1. Look at the beliefs behind the worry

Our habits grow from beliefs, often ones we picked up long ago, such as "I must be liked by everyone" or "My needs do not matter." Each time we act on them, they grow stronger. The good news is that beliefs can be changed.

Grab a pen and paper and write down the thoughts that make you seek approval. Notice where they came from and whether they are really true. Then write a gentler belief to practice instead, such as "I am allowed to take up space" or "I can be kind and still say no."

2. Create empowering affirmations

Affirmations are short, kind statements you repeat to yourself. A simple way to write them is to imagine a loving friend describing you. What would they say? Write it down.

A blue graphic titled Compliment Yourself with flowers and statements like I am confident and I am proud of myself
  • I am worthy of love as I am.
  • I trust myself to make good choices.
  • My feelings matter.
  • I can be kind and honest at the same time.

Keep your list where you will see it, and read it each morning and night. Pairing your words with a slow breath helps them sink in. For more on how to write ones that feel believable, see How Positive Affirmations Help Manage Stress.

A checklist of positive self affirmations with a colorful striped border

3. Soften negative self talk

We all have an inner voice. If it is harsh, it wears down your self love. You do not need to fight it. You can meet it with curiosity and kindness.

Cards of negative thoughts beside colorful questions such as what is a more helpful thought
  • Notice the thought. Say to yourself, "That is a thought, not a fact."
  • Ask a gentle question. What would I say to a friend who felt this way? Is there another way to see this?
  • Answer with a kinder thought. If the thought is "I can't make decisions," try "I am learning to trust my choices."
A poster of common thinking traps such as all or nothing thinking and catastrophizing, with ways to challenge each

4. Practice gratitude

Gratitude moves your attention from what is lacking to what is already here. It can be as simple as loving family, good health, a warm bed or a job that puts food on the table. Each day, write down three things you are thankful for and notice how they feel in your body.

The words What are you grateful for today across a field of golden wildflowers

Gratitude also softens self judgment, because it reminds you that you are held by many good things. Our guide on how gratitude can change your life has more ideas.

5. Small daily acts of self care

  • Take a few minutes of quiet each day, even just to breathe.
  • Say no to something that drains you, and say yes to something that nourishes you.
  • Spend time with people who accept you as you are.
  • Celebrate small wins, not just big ones.

If you would like a gentle place to start, explore the Free Light Library.

A gentle closing

You do not have to earn your own love. Begin today by speaking to yourself the way you would to someone you care about. Little by little, the opinions of others will matter less, and your own kind voice will matter more.

If you want more human potential teachings that expand this practice, Gaia is a natural next step.

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Rose quartz is known as the stone of the heart and is a traditional companion for self love practice. Keep a piece where you will see it every day.

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